Lured Back by a Lotus Blossom

Four months ago I prophetically posted something about the gravity of words--I should have known the birth of that thought was an indication of the months to come.  Like I said, there is no such thing as just saying; our words have consequences.  In my case, the consequence was that I subconsciously heeded my own suggestion:  if I don't have anything important (whatever that means) to say, I won't say anything at all.  

In reality,  I've had too many important things to say.  The problem has been how to say them. It started on my birthday three days after that flippant post.  Turning 35 didn't strike me as anything monumental, but under the surface I suppose it was.  I remember being 15 looking forward to this age; there was so much certainty that by 35 I would have it all together (whatever that means); by 35 I would be three-quarters--or at least half--of the way to achieving Nirvana.  Of course, when I was 15 I had no idea that this state of self actualization was named Nirvana.  I was a debator who knew only of Maslow.  Nevertheless, I envisioned a point in my life--a point that would surely come by the advanced age of 35--where I would achieve a true sense of self, permanence, contentment and purity. 

Instead, we came home from my birthday dinner to discover our sweet, patient, beautiful greyhound swollen up like a balloon.  After a week of ultra-sounds and blood tests, she was diagnosed with an incurable cancer.  This is not nirvana. 

 

I don't know where to go from here. This is not supposed to be the case for an educated, employed, happily married 35 year old woman.  I'm supposed know where it is I'm going.  I'm supposed to have learned from where I've been.  Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  I'm on a permanent wave, bobbing in the sea like a boat, driven forward only by the force of the wind. What I need is a sail and a rudder--a way to take control.  Purpose.   

Funny that my life needs exactly the same cure as this blog.  Four months ago I stopped writing due to lack of purpose.  As it turns out, silence wasn't the solution.  It took a lotus blossom to help me understand this.  So, I'm back at it.  I don't know if jamming away at these keys will produce any more clarity, but at least it's self-propelled momentum.